From Bachelor Pad to Love Nest – Making It Work

By Darren Brown

Losing your castle can either be really great or really traumatic depending on how ready you are for what’s ahead.  The transition from bachelor pad to love nest has been and can be survived with the proper planning and understanding. If you are ready for the eventual changes and proactive in their implementation the experience promises to be a positive one.  On the other hand if you ignore the needs of your new “roommate” and disaster looms ahead.  It should be noted at this point that it’s essential that you get along.  If you don’t get along living apart it probably won’t get any better once you’re locked in together everyday. 

The concept you will have to get used to the most is that of sharing.  Sharing space, sharing meals, sharing the remote, sharing duties and sharing decisions on everything.  Hopefully since you’ve decided to move in together due diligence has been used in making this decision.  It’s tough for anybody to go from King of the Castle to a 50/50 partner just like that.  What’s more, those numbers might not be entirely accurate.  Using the “tie goes to the runner” theorem it’s sometimes more like 51/49 for her.  This is OK though.  You will need to give in order to take. 

Certain issues are sure to arise and there are times that you just need to do what you’re told. Cleaning falls into this category. Standards are going to go up. Actual cleaning products will need to be purchased.  There may be a schedule involved.  You need to use this as a positive.  You might as well start taking some joy in living in a clean, organized environment. It’s really not all that bad. I motivate myself using the 2 for 1 theory. For every good thing I do, I get two good things back.  If you start to enjoy a clean bathroom, you’ll always want a clean bathroom.  That’s one.  By keeping the bathroom clean you are justified in playing weekly golf with the boys.  That’s two.  Do one thing, get two.  It’s all a matter of perspective. 

With the right attitude you can embrace these changes.  After a while you may just find a clean bedroom floor or getting into a made bed at night makes life that much better.  You may find that having your posters and old paint replaced by some soothing décor goes a long way towards putting you in a more relaxed state of mind.  Maybe it makes you a little more agreeable.  Maybe you can focus better playing X-Box.  Never say never.  And hey, if you’re going to watch a shoot‘em up blow’em action adventure on the big screen it might as well be in a relaxing comfortable room.  If you let her hang the pictures you will be allowed to try to shake them off the wall with the 5.1 surround.  Plus it looks nice.  2-for1. 

Take the time to do little things for her around the house.  It’s these little things that count for so much.  Leave little notes, arrange her stuffed animals on the bed after you make it, put the seat down, give her a massage, and bring her flowers for no reason.  You’ve taken this plunge so why not make it as good as it can be?  Don’t compete over every little thing.  Work together and towards one goal.  You attract more bees with honey as the old saying goes.

While initially it may seem that you’re losing a lot (space, power, freedom) take the time to see and enjoy the benefits of a mutually understanding partnership.  You will see that the positives far outweigh the negatives.  Please don’t take this article as a way to get an angle on everything.  You should do all this stuff because you love your girl and nothing makes you as happy as making her happy.  At first it can be a little overwhelming.  I’m just trying to help ease you in.  Take care of the little things and the rest should fall right into place.  Darren Brown is the webmaster of The Love Quest, an online personals and dating relationship resource website.


How To Draw Anyone To Your Side - Spellbinding Attraction Secrets You Wouldn't Want To Miss!

By Cucan Pemo

Before I begin, I would like to first point out that throughout this article I will be using "he" and "him", etc, rather than awkwardly saying "he or she" or using "he/she". So please understand I do not mean this as slight to women.

Many of my readers have often asked me, "How can I change my partner? What can I do to make him do things the way I want it? Or is it even possible?"

My question to you is, "Do you go into a relationship to change another person?"

Well, you have to take responsibility for the choice you have made if you do not like what you see today!

Truth is, you cannot change or force another person to behave in the ways you desire just by telling him or pointing out to him.

Most times than not, it doesn't work.

The secret here is, whatever it is you would like your partner to do - whether it is to do particular things, behave in particular ways, or think in the ways you want it - your partner has to see these ideas themselves as coming from themselves!

This is one of the secrets possessed by those cult leaders. How is it that they are able to influence their followers to do what they wish them to do so easily? Think about it. You can learn their secrets.

If you are trying to save your relationship, your partner has to see this idea of recouncilation and working and keeping this relationship as coming from themselves.

Very often, it doesn't work if YOU keep telling them to see your point, to work out something, to say something.

So, what can you do to possess that jedi-like magic to influence your partner? I call this positive motivation. Try not to tell your partner what to do. Stop making him see your point. It won't work. However, keep these points in mind:

(1) Become the person your partner wishes to become.

(2) Improve your-self FIRST. The changes you like to see on the outside will follow.

(3) Understand that most human beings naturally gravitated towards the person who possess a higher vibrational energy. Now, some of you might think this is too profound and metaphysical. It is not. Simply, just ask yourself who attracts you in your daily life and makes you think, "Gee, I wish I have his confidence/strength/power/courage." Then, ask yourself what can YOU do to become such a person.

Just recently, I ran into one of my friends, the guy who is a bodybuilder (some of you might already know who I am talking about if you read my last issue). When he saw me, he pulled me to one side and confided in me.

He was running into big trouble. He told me. To cut a long story short, he ran into one of his ex-girlfriends the other day, one whom he had lost contact with for almost 2 years. She had a boyfriend now, but was currently having some disagreements and conflicts with him. Now, this friend of mine (let's call him Mr X.), was very concerned about her.

They met up for a chit-chat not long after they bumped into each other. Now, in case you are wondering, Mr X doesn't have any intention to get back into a relationship with her. However, being a good natured person, he still cares about her and treats her just like his other friends. It wasn't long before Mr X realized that the girl was contacting him more than 10 times a week! It was clear to him that she had a different intention, and was trying to get back into a relationship with him.

"Look, Cucan. I made it very clear to her that she was still my friend and she was not to expect anything from me. Besides, she had a boyfriend now. They were having some conflicts and misunderstanding. All I did was just spending some time to listen to her, to talk to her, and gave her a little help here and there, that was all, I did all these just as I would do for a friend. I didn't want to interfere with their affairs nor did I want to be seen as a third party. But, apparently she wanted something else and she was obviously trying to get close to me! I didn't ask for all these! Now, what am I supposed to do?"

I was enthused by his remarks. And this got me thinking. How was it that so many of my readers had a hard time making a connection with the love of their life or even failed times and times again trying to get the attention they are seeking from their partners; and yet, this friend of mine was getting all the (unwanted) attention without lifting a finger!

Some of you might have got it figured out. Naturally Mr X has a higher vibrational energy than the woman. This is one reason why his ex-girlfriend is attracted towards him.

There is another very important reason. And this is what I told him, "My friend, the more you tell her that she is not to expect anything from you, the more she'll find it difficult to drift away from you! The reason is this: people want what they cannot have! The more difficulty they have to getting something they want, they more they'll want it. Even during their sleep they'll think about it; it fills the whole of their consciousness so much so that they will conclude for themselves that this is definitely something they must have!"

Now, Mr X is such an understanding and caring man. Let me ask you. Who wouldn't like to be with a caring, understanding person? And he kept telling her: "Look, I can be there for you. But now you have a boyfriend. Don't expect anything from me. We are no longer in a relationship".

And of course, Mr X wouldn't have any difficulty being alone with himself even if this girl was not around. It was no wonder the girl found herself irresistibly attracted towards him!

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How To Get Him Or Her Interested?

By Cucan Pemo

Do you wish his eyes be glued on you?

Let me tell you a story. It's a true story.

Just recently, I got interested in a guy. I'm not supposed to share this with anyone, including you, lest my partner gets to know about it. :)

However, being an avid student of human nature and inter-personal relationships, I could not help wondering, what is it (about him, or me?) that has made me attracted to him?

But, don't be mistaken. Until today, we are just very good friends. I still have my partner with me, so I wouldn't want to do anything that will break my relationship with him.

We have a common interest though. This is why we click together and always enjoy each other's company, with no expectation from each other.

He had gone through several failed relationships, and we had a talk about this one day over coffee at a cafe. He was hurt that the relationships he had with his ex-girlfriends didn't work out the way he wanted them to. However, that didn't destroy him; instead, in his own words, such experiences make him even stronger.

I realized that I admired his courage and strength to be able to pick himself up even after a heart-breaking experience. In fact, I was inspired by him.

"We had conflicts and disagreements. It didn't work out, everyone of them (his girlfriends) initiated the break-up. I didn't put in the effort to pursue and thus eventually we broke up. I was devastated then. But I'm not going to allow myself to be enveloped in self-pity and sorrow. I put all my attention, energy and focus on my passion, that is, bodybuilding. I realized that, whatever effort, time, money, and energy I had put into bodybuilding, it has all paid off handsomely. I could see the results I want to see. With relationship, it is so different. You cannot control the outcome; you cannot control the other person."

He is so right. You cannot control another person or how he will think and behave. You only have control of your-self, this indirectly implies the power you have in your hands. You CHOOSE whether your circumstance controls you or destroy you; else choose a more positive way of reacting and responding to your circumstances.

I didn't tell him this secret which I have been holding in my heart, that I enjoyed his accompany and going out with him, even training together with him at the gym whenever I can find the time to do it.

I asked myself what had made him seem attractive. The answers I got shocked me further.

(1) He inspired me with his insights about life and relationships. In short, he had what I had been seeking and searching - the answers to some of the tough questions about life and relationship.

(2) I found myself wanting to go out with him often. He was confident about his passion and what he was doing. He was independent, had a character, and was not affected by what others think about whether whatever he is doing is right or wrong. In short, he was of a higher vibrational energy than I.
I realize, and I have been sharing this secret with many of my readers - By becoming interested in MYSELF, my partner becomes more interested in me! If you think it is a paradox. IT is! Many relationship challenges and difficulties often start when one of the couples shift his or her center onto another person, and many people do this unknowingly! Understand that your center is HERE, right now, within you; it is your safe haven and most truthworthy antenna. You do NOT have to search for it in another person!

This is one secret which has worked wonders for those who are willing to take the time to
chew on it.

Inspire your partner today!

However, don't stop here. Dale Carnegie has taught that "If you want people to become interested in you, you have to become genuinely interested in others!"

Become genuinely interested in YOUR-SELF!

Become genuinely interested in others!

Combine this two, and you might find yourself being swamped with so much attention, you'll have to crack your head to find your own private time.

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What Can A Jedi Master Teach You?

By Cucan Pemo

I just viewed George Lucas's final installment of his Stars Wars Trilogy - "Episode III: The Revenge of the Sith" and I loved his film. The "Force" as depicted in his film has often left me in awe; and I often likened the Jedi Masters in the Trilogy to the "Master" in "Message Of A Master".

You can define the "Force" in many different ways, depending on your culture, faith and beliefs. But it doesn't matter which definition you adhere to. The "Force" is being possessed by all of us, if we would learn how to harness it and use it for the benefit of ourselves and others.

In this Stars Wars story, Anakin Skywalker succumbed to the dark side fearing the loss of his wife Amidala after having a dream of her death. He proceeded to learn the dark arts in the hope of having the power to avert her death.

However, near the end of the story, we learned that Amidala did not just die from giving birth; she died because she gave up the will to live after learning that Anakin had changed into somone she did not even recognise.

Can you see how powerful our own thoughts are? Our thoughts often create our own reality - in life and in relationship.

Can you also see how powerful a being you are? You have the power to create your own life and relationship circumstances.

Yoda, the Jedi grandmaster has very good advice which is worth noting down. "Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the force. Mourn them, do not. Miss them, do not. Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed, that is... Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose... The fear of loss is a path to the dark side."

Indeed, fear, insecurity, jealousy, clinginess, attachment to your partner leads to even more problems in your relationship. That which you do not wish to see happening in your relationship WILL happen! - if you give in to your fear and insecurity. "The fear of loss is a path to the dark side"; and in the end you will lose everything.

We have a rare Bonus included in the complete RetrieveALover.com package which is intended to help you re-discover "The Force" within your-self. Again, what is "The Force" really? Even George Lucas refuses to give it a fixed definition. You can learn to reconnect with "The Force" through various means and methods. Find one which suits you.

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3 Easy Ways to Attract Love Like A Magnet

By Cucan Pemo

If you are still single and yearning for that someone special to come into your life, to share your life, and to share all the laughter and joy of being together, there is something you could do to attract your true love like a magnet!

(1)You must believe you are able to attract true love.
This is important! In order to attract your true love, not just any type of lovers, to come into your life, you have to believe you are able to attract the right person into your life. True love comes to you not because of chance. Instead, it comes to you because of who you are. It comes 'through' you, it does not come to you. You attract the people in your life because of who you are. If you are someone who is always cheery, generous, kind, and hardworking, then it is very likely you will attract people who have one or more of your positive attributes. Whoever you attract into your lives is a reflection of who you are at that moment. Thus if you are someone who is always doubtful of your own ability and capability to meet the right person, then it is very likely you will attract the wrong person into your life!

(2)Love others who come into your life at this moment.
Being loving to others is perfect love, not just wanting love. Open up your heart and give your love to others as well while you are waiting for your someone special to enter your life. When you open up and give more love, more love will return and be given you too. This is the law of give and receive. When you go outside and socialize, do not go with the intention of only wanting to find love, or to find your Mr/Mrs Right. Instead, take an interest in all those that you encounter, be aware of their welfare and needs as well. If you start to take an interest in other people's welfare and needs instead of only your own, more people will be attracted to you. So, detach yourself from the feeling that you want to find that someone special. The right person will definitely come to you one day and be attracted to you because of who you are. He or she might must be around in a corner thinking : "Hey, I want to get to know this person who has so much magnetism and optimism. How can I approach him/her?"

(3)Expect less from other people and give more instead.
As you give more and more love to others, be careful not to become too much focused on your own wants and needs. In wanting or expecting to experience the love we want, we suffer. We crave, and we cling to what we do not have and we even refuse to let go what we have clung to. Your giving should not come with any conditions. Instead, the love you give should want less and less. As your love wants less and less, ironically you will find more love coming your way, even without you asking for it.

Give true love, so that it opens up and embrace the world. Very soon, you will find that someone special entering your life. It is not by chance that this person has entered your life, but you have cultivated the 'seeds' to bring him/her to you, not just any type of person, but the right and true one for you. And after he/she has entered your life, continue to cultivate even more 'seeds' of love for everyone around you, and you will find that you can easily create the 'magical' relationship that you desire effortlessly.
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The Secrets About Holding The KEYS To Your Partner's Heart And Mind!

By Cucan Pemo

Would you like to possess the power to be able to penetrate into your partner's thoughts and know exactly what he or she wants? Imagine having such jedi-like powers at your fingertips.

Well, you can! If you will learn how to hold the keys to your partner's heart and mind and make him yours forever.

Kenneth Goode is an outstanding figure in advertising and selling and I do recommend his books if you are interested to find out more about him and his teachings.

When I read about his eight insights about people, I can still remember that I'm beaming with excitement as this might hold the formula to understand what your partner will do.

Although Kenneth Goode is speaking to an audience that is supposedly to be interested in selling and advertising (to people), his wisdom and insights about people can help us to understand what people do the things they do, and of course "people" include yourself and your mate.

His eight insights about people are:

(1) Follow a habit until it hurts (2) Accept his beliefs ready-made and stick to them until the cows come home. (3) Follows his leaders, eyes shut, mouth open. (4) Work hard to establish superiority in the eyes of his equals. (5) Find his greatest interest in his own emotional kicks. (6) Yield to suggestion when properly flattered. (7) Love low prices and dislike economy. (8) Glorify the past and discount the future.

Think about how you can use Kenneth Goode's insights to influence your partner. Remember, you cannot change your partner into someone you like to see; you cannot force your another person to become that which you want him or her to become.

Here's an invaluable tip for you. If you are want to influence your partner; if you want to persuade him to do something or to see your point, don't say it out loud or even point it out to him. Try, instead, to make him think that that idea comes from his own.

Why? People always "accept his beliefs ready-made and stick to them until the cows come home".

Most people hate to be told what to do. Most people hate to know that their ideas are wrong. In fact, people hate it even more when you point it out to them.

So, if you want to attract a new mate, make it seem like he or she is the one who wants to be with you!

If you want to bring back a lost love, your first step is to make sure you don't make it seem like you want him or her back. Depending on your relationship or marriage circumstance, most people hate to be told that they should come back to your side. To them, it just spells more trouble.

Make yourself indispensable. If you have a hot temper, find ways to solve this problem. If you are too clingy, find the solutions to do away with your clingy-ness. If you know the mistakes you have done, correct them.

Your partner will find his or her way back to you all without your asking when they "know" that you are someone they would want to spend their life with afterall.

Kenneth Goode's insights have been very helpful to me so far. I now understand that there are certain things we cannot change about people, because that is the way people are! If you are always finding yourself eveloping in self-pity in a failing relationship, or if you are always finding yourself wanting your partner to behave in certain ways, I hope you understand these insights and apply them to your life and to your relationship because they can liberate you. Many times, it is not your fault afterall.

Wrtie these eight insights down and stick them on your desk where you can see them daily.

I will write more about how these insights can be applied to any types of relationship as and when I have more tips to share with you on this site.

Master these insights, and you can be well on your way to hold the keys to your partner's heart and mind; or rather, anyone's heart and mind.

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The Truth About Finding Your True Love And How You Can Fulfill Your Dream Of Living Happily Ever After With The Love Of Your Life!

By Cucan Pemo

“All we need is love.” Myth or not? Since love does seem to be able to overcome anything and everything, at least on television and at the movies, this seems like a reality. However, truth is, making relationships work takes skill and hard work, regardless of the “love” factor. This is a myth here.

Let’s take a peak at some of the more common concepts above “love” relationships and see if they are myths or based upon reality.

If you are thinking of going into a relationship, or if you find yourself falling in love, and ready to date, keep this in mind: relationship is way, way beyond just love and attraction.

Just like in fairy tales, once true love is found, people live happily ever after. Truth or myth? Granted couples can look into each other’s eyes and have those warm fuzzy feelings. However, truth is, all couples will have their ups and downs. “Happily ever after” seems to imply a perfect, problem-less relationship when in reality, those don’t exist.

If you are in a problem-less relationship (which doesn't exist anyway), you'll get bored one day. And one of the couples will want to run away!

So, is it possible to create and maintain a long lasting and blissful relationship, or can one even dream of creating the relationship of his or her dreams?

You bet!

The first step is to arm yourself with the genuine knowledge and instructions on how to create your soul-based relationship. Trust me, it is worth your time and money if you can ever find a comprehensive course of instructions and learn more about the truth of relationship, and especially how you can draw in your soul mate!

It has to be “love at first sight” in order to work long-term. Myth or truth? While this can be true for some, it certainly doesn’t have to be for all couples in long-term relationships. Many people grow together over time.

Since practically anyone can learn the nuts and bolts of relationship building, focusing on some basic techniques that can be learned is a must. The main ones, in no particular order, are:

- Understand your-self. Understand yourself. What is your personality. You may be surprised. Some people live for a long time and never come to understand or even realize why they are the way they are! And why is this important? It determines how you look at the world, how you will interpret the events occurring in your life, and WHO YOU ARE will help your partner determine how to
react to YOU!

- Rapport: Develop rapport with others well. Now let’s take a quick peak at the basics of developing rapport with others. In a nutshell, what it takes is to ask questions, have a positive, open attitude, encour age an open exchange of communications (both verbal and unspoken), listen to verbal and unspoken communications and share positive feedback.

- Conflict Resolution: Resolve negative issues and conflicts without too much friction How do you handle conflicts? If you can put your ego aside pretty much and try to keep friction to a minimum, your relationships should move along fairly smoothly. Where you feel disagreement, if you can “agree” to disagree on certain things with the other party involved, that will help, too. In short, conflict resolution means to pretty much deal with others as you would want them to deal with you.

Once true love is found, people live happily ever after. Truth or myth? Well, it will definitely not be a perfect, problem-less journey. However, you definitely can live happily ever after with the love of your life, if only you will arm yourself with the right relationship skills and learn relationship mastery whole heartedly.

Trust me, this is within your power. It is your destiny to draw in your highest and best mate, if you have decided to.

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3 Proven Strategies To A Healthy And Happy Relationship

By Cucan Pemo

Is creating a healthy, happy relationship with the love of your life a dream for you? Not at all, if you would learn some fundamental principles to keeping and maintaining a happy relationship. The principles discussed here can also be applied to all your human relationships - whether it's with your child, your friends, your co-worker, or even your boss!

Acceptence And Forgiveness

Don’t try to change someone. This is a must. If a person really wants to change, that person will need to be motivated and take action. Period. And if you seriously desire and hope to see the changes you like to see in you partner. Here's the secret. Do not make your desire to change him/her looks like your desire to change him/her!

Also regarding acceptance, accept limitations. He is not Superman; you are not Wonder woman. No one is perfect; so do not expect perfection. Accept the little flaws that come with each person. You accept theirs; they accept yours.

If and when things get out of hand and it is your fault, apologize and ask forgiveness and move on. Similarly, be acceptable to apologies and grant forgiveness, too. Life is too short to stay focused on the negative too long. No need to deny it; face it, deal with it and move on past it to improve and strengthen your relationships. And learn to forgive and forget. That’s life!

Bonding And Communication

Bonding with another person generally does take time. Learn the art of good communication. Talk, listen, share the good and the bad, ask questions, compliment instead of nag or insult.

In short be a friend; make a friend. Your partner has been your friend, and today he is still your best friend. Things happen from time to time and cancellations are a part of life. The best of friends expect nothing from the other person. There is only love. Check judgmental attitudes at the door. That is healthy. Always remember this, if you go into a relationship to change another person and demanding your mate communicate and bond with you the way you want it, you are heading for touble, and your relationship will go downhill. Period.

If this bonding is lacking, it may mean professional help is needed (like a counselor or therapist) or it may be time to learn to draw in your true love.

Expectations And Human Nature

Movies, romance novels and television shows often portray life, especially human relationships, very differently than it is in the real world – this is no secret. How many people really always look like movie stars, have zero health ailments, endless income without hardly ever going to work, fabulous cars and homes, friends and family who totally adore them and come to their beckon call, no long-term problems because they all end so quickly, etc.? And who can battle serious issues like one person having an affair with someone else, and wrap the whole storyline up in two hours?

Get real. Expect a little less than the media portray and learn more about humans by joining the real world scenario. Learn all you can about human nature and human relationship if you have the change. This course of study is a fasinating subject. You'll learn more about your-self and your partner in ways you have never known before.

The bottomline is, always remember that whatever you need is already here, within you, within your reach. You do not have to search for your power from other people. If you shift your center onto another person and expect him or her to hold your core structure for you, you are bound to have a failing relationship and suffer from a broken heart.

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10 Possible Reasons Why Your Relationship Is Failing And Why You Should Avoid Them To Save Your Relationship From Breaking!

By Cucan Pemo

Unhealthy, sad Relationships have some general notable characteristics in common. Here are some basic guidelines and if you can spot the red light lighting up in your relationship, you can prevent a communication break down or even a relationship break up!

Avoidance
Many people in unhealthy relationships simply avoid facing reality. There are many reasons for this. For instance, deep down inside, the people involved may be trying to make themselves appear superior.

Or perhaps they don’t want to face the fact that their mates really aren’t who they say they are. For example, Person A might cover up and make excuses for his mate, Person B, who is always late coming home from work and almost always misses family functions. Person A could be trying to avoid reality and make up excuses to cover up an affair that Person B is involved in so that it doesn’t destroy their “perfect image” in everyone’s eyes. Or Person A could be avoiding the fact that Person B is a workaholic.

Burnout
Although many can carry out romance throughout their entire relationships, the actual honeymoon period does have to end, in reality.

A tip here. Those who can keep the “love” fires burning, not 24 / 7 but off and on regularly during their relationship, have better chances of healthier relationships than those who suffer burnout and don’t know where to turn or who to turn to unhealthy solutions.

In short, every relationship has its highs and lows. During the low times, like maybe when one person begins to feel disillusioned with marriage, or maybe trapped, tired, helpless, depressed or let down, if this person reaches out to unhealthy alternatives, like getting a fake substitution – maybe seeking another mate in secret, getting “high,” or some other negative behavior, once-healthy relationships can suffer.

Instead, the couple needs to face issues together; add some new goals to the relationship, do some fun things together more, talk more, etc.

Compatibility Issues
Opposites attract; or do they? Sure it’s great to have some “spice” in your life. But relationships are about getting your needs met – at least on some level. And constant negativity can certainly hinder intimacy. So those who have a difficult time focusing on what attracted them to their mates in the first place can suffer unhealthy, sad relationships, constantly in conflict over issues with which they can’t agree.

Devotional Void
A lack of commitment or ardent love can make for unhappy relationships. Being friends or roommates is one thing. Being committed, loving soul mates is another. Being “in love” 24/7 doesn’t necessarily have to be a requirement, but being in a “loving” committed relationship can make the difference. If you find your mate drifting away, ask yourself if you have been comitted to your relationship.

Enthusiasm Dwindles
If you don’t add in some spice once in awhile, you can get the same old, same old. Couples caught up in routines can lose that spark of enthusiasm; i.e. zest of life in their relationships if they forget to be spontaneous once in awhile or forget to flavor their relationship with fun, adventure, romance.

Forgiveness Void
No one is perfect. Mistakes are a part of life. Those unwilling or unable to forgive, can pretty much count on having more unhealthy relationships over time. Relationships based or growing on anger, spite, disgust, resentment or other negative feelings associated with lack of forgiveness are like wilted flowers. They need tending to or they’ll die.

Guise
Simulated relationships or those under the guise of having a solid, happy relationship are not destined for success, on the whole. Or rather false is as false does, as Forest Gump might say. Pretending wears thin and doesn’t last long.

Harm
Harmful thoughts, words and actions can sure lead to unhealthy relationships. An occasional outbreak during a stressful moment might be considered normal like swearing; i.e. if someone hasn’t been raped, battered (or other sever trauma has occurred) by the other party. However, harmful, violent actions such as those and repeated verbal negativity is abusive and not healthy in relationships – or life.

Indulgence
Instant gratification or indulgence of unhealthy behaviors is a sign of trouble. Grabbing chocolate to satisfy a craving is one thing. Grabbing illicit drugs or another mate in secrecy is another. Yielding to unhealthy temptations and desires is a pathway to unhealthy relationships.

Just say yes
Not being able to draw boundaries or sustain limits is another possible path to sad relationships. For example, if one person in the relationship has a difficult time saying “Yes” and setting limits, his or her mate could always come in second, third or forth - - rarely first in the other person’s eyes and agenda. And while it’s fine to take a back seat once in awhile, people make time for priorities and in healthy relationships, both parties feel and share the value of being number one with one another.

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THE REASSURANCE REPORT - Little Known Secrets To Attaining Certainty and Security in Your Relationship

By Dr Robby Bilton

In Love by Design relationships it is important that there is reassurance, certainty and security. The other day, actually the other week, I had several people in my office who were not very secure in their relationship. They came in on their own. They were having difficulties in their relationship. They just didn’t feel safe and secure in their relationship. They were worried that their partner may be moving away or potentially straying or not loving them in the way that they want.

In our Love by Design book (www.lovebydesignbook.com) we talk about various communication modes. Many people that have a certain communication mode find that if their partner has a different communication mode, they don’t feel that secure of how they are feeling in terms of feeling loved. That is very understandable if you understand the communication modes. If you read in our Love by Design book, we talk about four communication modes, the Visual, Auditory, Digital and Kinesthetic. The following is a brief overview of the four basic communication modes:

Visuals communicate by seeing and doing. They like activities and they like gifts. They notice people, places and things with just the slightest glance. They feel and share love by doing things with or for other people. They take things at face value and do not look deeper into things.

Auditory people communicate through talking. They have the natural gift of the gab, are designed to be able to talk for long periods of time. They enjoy talking and listening to other people talk. They feel loved when they are talked to, and like to hear the words I love you.

Digital people communicate through connection and understanding. The find the deeper meaning in everything they think, see and do. Understanding is very important to them. They feel loved when they share connections with others and are understood.

Kinesthetic people communicate through their bodies. The move, feel and express through their bodies. Kinesthetics love to touch, feel, physical activity and hugging. They feel loved when they are touched.

If your partner is a different communication mode than you and again we can be on all four channels or three channels or just two channels and our partners can be on the same ones or different ones or part of yours and part of another.

For example in the book, we talk about my relationship with Michelle. Michelle was a lovely young lady and she was a Visual, Auditory.

I happened to be Visual, Auditory Kinesthetic, and Digital. So she was hitting two of my communication modes, but was not hitting the other two, in the Digital or Kinesthetic channels. She was not hitting my Communication modes so I felt empty in those areas. In the relationship I had with Lucie, she was a Visual, Kinesthetic. Again, I was a Visual, Auditory, Kinesthetic and Digital. Although they were different modes than Michelle, in fact they did have some similarities in the sense that both of Michelle and Lucie were Visual. However, again their modes were different, and not the same as mine. So two of mine with Lucie were missing and two of mine were missing with Michelle. With Lucie, my Digital and Auditory was missing.

I felt very empty because there was no Auditory communication and there was no Digital or deep thoughtful or mental, emotional connection. So with Michelle, we would talk a lot and do things, but again I didn’t feel connected, intellectually, emotionally or at a deep spiritual level. I also did not feel connected Kinesthetically as much.

Many of these situations are reflected in the some of the clients that come in and see me. A lot of them tend to be Digital. Digital people tend to go to counselling more than a Visual person. A Visual person would go to counseling or a Visual, Kinesthetic person would go to counselling usually because they are dragged there.

However, if a Digital person is with someone who is not Digital, they really feel empty. Sure they do things together. Their partner may talk or may not, but the Digital really feels empty.

Also in relationships where one partner is highly Kinesthetic and the other person isn’t, the first person will feel like the other person doesn’t love them, that the other person is interested in someone else because they are not having as much cuddling, kissing or sex, with them as they did when they were courting. So then if the person is Digital, they start thinking a lot, which is something that a Digital person does, which is think a lot, they then start feeling insecure. Also if you are stressed out in life, and you are Digital and Analytical you tend to get a little paranoid if you are put under stress if you are not being reassured.

So in a Love by Design relationship, it is key that your partner is on the same channel as you, and if not, know how to work on the same channel as you and to reassure you. I spent 10 years a paramedic and 10 years as a business man, before I was a counsellor.

When I was in business and as a counsellor, reassurance is very important. All professionals reassure their clients of what they are going through and that things will be o.k., that things will be taking care of. So reassurance is a good skill to develop in your partner.

I constantly reassure kitten or Melody, who is here with me, smiling as I am writing this. She is not a strong Visual, she is part Visual, and so I can give her some gifts, and bring her some things. I would go and buy her a pizza or buy her a hamburger or buy her a little thing at the store or a t-shirt or this or that. But mostly because she is Auditory, I tell her that I love her all the time and I tell her that she is pretty and that she is special and I am very lucky to be with her. Also because she is highly Kinesthetic which is a strong thing for her, I make she feel connected, and is touched and hugged and cuddled. Every time we see each other we bump into each other and hug and I grab her and she grabs me and it’s fun. She shows her love this way and she always grabs me. I guess I’m not supposed to say that eh kitten? “Grab me on the shoulder”, she says from the background. “Yeah sure you are kitten sure you are.” I answer.” On the shoulder, this is a PG article.”

Melody is also Digital, and Lucie and Michelle both weren’t. So with both Lucie and Michelle I felt very empty, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, but with Melody I feel very connected because she is highly Digital and we are on the same page, mentally and emotionally. Melody knows that I understand her and if you are a Digital that is probably one of the core reasons why she decided to be with me. She knew that no matter what happened in our life, I would understand her and if I didn’t understand, I would take the time to understand and she knows that I know. I can experience what she thinking and feeling and experiencing. We all want a witness to out life drama, our life experiences, our life success and people want us to be a witness to their reality and be on the same page, if you are highly Digital.

Now if you are Visual, you want to do things together you just want to spin around and do things together. Like when I worked on the ambulance, many of the people I worked with were Visual and we had this non-verbal communication and when I was with Lucie and also with Michelle, we could do things like renovate.

We had this kind of synchronicity like two seagulls or two birds flying in formation. So again, you will have different repoire on different channels. However, ideally, the key in terms of reassurance and having a Love by Design in my belief is if you are designing from square one, you really need to have someone on your same communication channel. I mean it just makes life so much easier. If I wasn’t with Melody and I was dating other people, I would screen out people who were not on my same channel. I find even working with other people, or other counsellors that I work with is that I really prefer that they have the same communication modes, in at least the Digital and Auditory communication channels. Otherwise I don’t really want to work with them unless I am doing Visual things or doing something superficial.

So it is important that you really understand that it is very important if you are currently creating a Love by Design and if you are not in place where you can rebuild or restructure where are in a situation where you are in an existing relationship, your partner needs to learn, if they are not on the same page, to do that. That way you will feel reassured, that way, if you are not getting that information on that channel. You are actually going to feel insecure and if you don’t get love in the way that you want for a long time, you will see the symptoms that many of our clients have that come into the office. They have low self esteem.

When I was with Lucie for a while, my self esteem was dropping with her because I wasn’t reassured, and I wasn’t feeling loved. She didn’t say I love you, she wasn’t Auditory She didn’t talk to me in the car, she didn’t talk to me over dinner, she didn’t like talking on the over phone. I just didn’t feel connected. Plus she wasn’t Digital, so she wasn’t interested in ideas or philosophy, and concepts, and metaphysics or spirituality, and relationships and counselling and psychology and all these things. So it was really important for me to have that.

If you don’t get it in your relationship you tend to seek it outside your relationship. That is why people have emotional affairs and real affairs that involve sex and secret relationships and all that kind of stuff, including people on the internet and chat rooms.

There are so many people who are having trouble in their relationships that are out on the net, not that they are going to match.com and having secret rendezvous at the local coffee shop or hotels (which does happen), but they are in chat rooms and they are meeting people and developing friendships and they have friendships at work and they are always going for coffee. If it’s a girl and she’s hanging around with some guy, the guy thinks he is eventually going to have sex, and it gets all complicated, so lots of people have that goofy kind of relationships. There are people who are married that I call the “Virginia” syndrome, read my book True Love on Demand (www.trueloveondemand.com) and you will know why I call it the Virginia syndrome.

These people are Digital and they are not getting their emotional and intellectual needs met. They are with someone who is not like that. They are not on the same page, so they have other relationships, emotional affairs, second husbands, or whatever you want to call it. Both men and women do that, it is both genders. This is because subconsciously, when you are not getting what you want, when you don’t feel secure, your self esteem is dropping. You need to do these things to booster your self esteem, make yourself feel good and subconsciously, whether you are conscious of it or not, you will do these things to try to meet your needs. Again that is because our goal in a relationship is get our needs met in the way that we want them, so that is important.

So it is important to develop habits, if you are going into a relationship, to reassure your partner and to reassure them in their communication modes. You can assure them in your communication mode of choice, but if that communication for some reason is not there for one reason or another even though you are reassuring them, but you are reassuring them on the wrong channel it’s not going to work, so it’s not going to work on them.

Again, ideally, if you are starting from scratch and you truly want a Love by Design relationship basically, you need to drawn in, attract and screen for someone who is on the same channel as you and someone who is not emotionally shutdown. We didn’t talk much about that in this article, about a person being emotionally shutdown, but if a person is emotionally unavailable, affection wise or shut down sexually or emotionally shutdown, the partner who is not getting these areas, being human is going to feel a little insecure in this situation, not matter how good your self esteem is or how confident you are. People just need it, that human desire to feel connected and to have that energy.

If you look at it from a Shamanic point of view, I have had the chance to train with Shamans, and to understand the Shamatic model of energy. The Shamans talk about the game behind the game, the Second Attention versus the First Attention. It’s kind a neat that we are talking about this now, it’s 3 o’clock in the morning and the full moon is out, it’s kind of neat out. The Shamans talk about First Attention and Second Attention. First Attention is about the third dimension reality. The Second Attention world, is the world behind the world, you enter the world of energy essentially.

In successful relationships there is an energy exchange, it is like electricity, it is like a circuit, it is give and receive. So I am grabbing kitten and telling her I love her and she’s beautiful and she’s special and I understand her and when she sees me, she is doing the same to me, and she says “ I love you Robbybean.” She tells me that all the time and in bed she kisses me all the time and when she leaves she kisses me and when I come in she says hello and kisses me and greets me and because she is Kinesthetic she loves to touch and cuddle and she loves to talk to me on the phone all the time. I just love it.

I said to Lucie, when I used to live with her. I said “Lucie, when I come home can you be kind of excited to see me and say hello to me and talk to me and show excitement and stuff.” She said to me “Get a Dog.” I said “Yeah, right.” But with Melody, it’s just natural, she has that Expressive personality which is combined with the Digital mind and the Kinesthetic, Auditory and some Visual so she is jumping up and down and she is excited saying “Love you, I’m excited to see you, I love Robbybean.” I really feel recognized, I really feel adored.

If you study men and/ or women who have affairs, what is the big draw with some of these people, is that these people may not even be as attractive as their mates that they have but, they feel adored. I feel adored all the time, Melody adores me , I’m special, I’m a big deal, she’s excited. And I do the same to her. I have a special pet name for her and she has a special pet name for me, she calls me RobbyBean and she has other pet names for me.

So as you can see if it important to reassure. And it is important to let the other person know, do not hold back even if you are shutdown on those channels either because you are not on those channels or if you are emotionally shutdown or affectionately shutdown. I know when I was playing really adversarial back in the day 30 years ago or whatever, I thought it wasn’t cool to show affection or it wasn’t cool to say I love you or it wasn’t cool to be vulnerable . It wasn’t cool to be any of these things. But frankly, it’s not cool, not to show love on these channels in the channels you partner is in and it is your job to reassure your partner and to be with a partner that reassures you.

There should be no insecurity in a relationship, no game playing. Sure you match level of commitment, but it’s not about game playing, it’s not about withholding, you are here to give, living is giving, and to give freely love in all the channels, without expectations, in a positive, happy , positive-upstate way. It is important to read the Seven Principles of Relationship Success, which is being taught in Love by Design and which is good to read, because it talks about some of the things in this article for relationships success. So it is important to reassure and don’t hold back, that way it will help you create the life and love of your dreams.


At Last! A Fully Complete and Instructional System to Help You Discover Whether The One You Are With Is The Right Mate For YOU! If you are a single, I'll teach you how to custom make your own, ideal relationship. If you are already attached, I'll teach you how to bring new passion to a long time relationship, heal a broken heart, or break down barriers that are keeping you apart! Includes a Complete Manual more than 200 pages of information and contents used successfully by individuals and couples having real life challenges! If you are looking for a system that works in the real world, this is it. Grab your copy today. Love By Design

How To Create Your Ultimate Soul-Based Relationship

By Melody Chase

Are you looking for Love by Design? Well you certainly have found the right place. A lot of people go through life completely unconscious and not knowing exactly what they want to have in a relationship until they get into a relationship and find that they don't have what they want.

It's sad but it's a true fact that the in our society people are not trained on how to understand relationships. Relationships are very simple, they are a mutual filling of needs and it is usually not until someone gets into a marriage or a relationship that they find that there are difficulties.

Usually we marry because of love and lust or attraction or we find someone who is pretty or handsome or they got a good job or they have ambition or they want to create a life or they want to have a family. You may have met them at a bar or meet them at school and you decide to fall in love and you have some things in common and you want to have kids and you decide to get married.

So many people do that when they are 18 or 20 or in their early 20s up until their 30s now. People are basically uncomfortable and they don't really make a Love by Design. A Love by Design is really ultimately the way to create a relationship by designing the perfect love for you and the perfect relationship for you.

Now there are 2 reasons why people break up in relationships. Dr Rob Bilton, who is the Director/Counsellor of the Centre for Life Management, co-author of "The Utimate Love by Design Package" and my life partner) and I have been counselling couples for years at the Centre. We find that if you look at all the hundreds of thousands of cases that we see every year it usually boils down to 2 main reasons why people aren't creating the relationships of their dreams and having their Love by Design.

The first reason is they are not really compatible, although they may have some compatibility in some areas. Maybe they like bowling or hiking or going to the same movies, but they may not be compatible in their visions, they may not be compatible in their timing or when they want to have children.

They may not be compatible in their workstyle or lifestyle or where they want to live. One person wants to go out and live in the country, and have a small little market garden in a dairy farm and the other one wants to live near the beach on the coast of California and pursue their Ph.D.

In this case they have two different visions, it is actually the visions and the values that are the glue that holds relationships together. In fact, it's not so much looking at each other, it's looking at the same direction together. That is what values and visions do. So you may be totally in love with somebody, and may get a long in some areas, but you may be fundamentally not compatible.

For example, my partner, Rob Bilton, was with this young lady Lucie and she was a very lovely woman. However, Rob wanted children at the time and Lucie had hers and wasn't interested in getting children at that time, so that is an example of incompatibility.

The other reason why relationships have a tendency not to work out that we see at the Centre is because of people who are not that functional and are not able to have the skills that make successful relationships work.

They in fact may have picked up bad habits or toxicities from their family of origin and from their early relationships that wreck an otherwise good or compatible relationship.

So ultimately when you are going out there and wanting to create a Love by Design, it is good that you screen for compatibility and functionality. The other thing is that if you are in an existing relationship, you can see what you have and see if fact if your partner is functional.

Then you can take action and read some of our books, consulting or counselling to improve on your functionality and if you are not compatible in some areas then you can shift that or you can accept that or compromise.

There are always ways of doing that. If you are really fundamentally incompatible, which is something that we will talk about in some of our teachings on deal breakers, then you may have a life decision
to make.

At Last! A Fully Complete and Instructional System to Help You Discover Whether The One You Are With Is The Right Mate For YOU! If you are a single, I'll teach you how to custom make your own, ideal relationship. If you are already attached, I'll teach you how to bring new passion to a long time relationship, heal a broken heart, or break down barriers that are keeping you apart. Get your FREE Training and E-courses here (It's a $97 Value!). Hurry, before we come to our senses that we have given so much away! Love By Design



How To Look For Your Perfect Companion In The Right Places And Create Your Ultimate Love By Design

By Melody Chase

Are you looking for Love by Design? Well you certainly have found the right place. A lot of people go through life completely unconscious and not knowing exactly what they want to have in a relationship until they get into a relationship and find that they don't have what they want.

It's sad but it's a true fact that the in our society people are not trained on how to understand relationships. Relationships are very simple, they are a mutual filling of needs and it is usually not until someone gets into a marriage or a relationship that they find that there are difficulties. Usually we marry because of love and lust or attraction or we find someone who is pretty or handsome or they got a good job or they have ambition or they want to create a life or they want to have a family. You may have met them at a bar or meet them at school and you decide to fall in love and you have some things in common and you want to have kids and you decide to get married.

So many people do that when they are 18 or 20 or in their early 20s up until their 30s now. People are basically uncomfortable and they don't really make a Love by Design. A Love by Design is really ultimately the way to create a relationship by designing the perfect love for you and the perfect relationship for you. Now there are 2 reasons why people break up in relationships. Rob (who is the Director/Counsellor of the Centre for Life Management, co-author of Love by Design and my life partner) and I have been counselling couples for years at the Centre. We find that if you look at all the hundreds of thousands of cases that we see every year it usually boils down to 2 main reasons why people aren't creating the relationships of their dreams and having their Love by Design.

The first reason is they are not really compatible, although they may have some compatibility in some areas. Maybe they like bowling or hiking or going to the same movies, but they may not be compatible in their visions, they may not be compatible in their timing or when they want to have children.

They may not be compatible in their workstyle or lifestyle or where they want to live. One person wants to go out and live in the country, and have a small little market garden in a dairy farm and the other one wants to live near the beach on the coast of California and pursue their Ph.D. In this case they have two different visions, it is actually the visions and the values that are the glue that holds relationships together. In fact, it's not so much looking at each other, it's looking at the same direction together. That is what values and visions do. So you may be totally in love with somebody, and may get a long in some areas, but you may be fundamentally not compatible.

For example, my partner, Rob Bilton, was with this young lady Lucie and she was a very lovely woman. However, Rob wanted children at the time and Lucie had hers and wasn't interested in getting children at that time, so that is an example of incompatibility.

The other reason why relationships have a tendency not to work out that we see at the Centre is because of people who are not that functional and are not able to have the skills that make successful relationships work. They in fact may have picked up bad habits or toxicities from their family of origin and from their early relationships that wreck an otherwise good or compatible relationship.

So ultimately when you are going out there and wanting to create a Love by Design, it is good that you screen for compatibility and functionality. The other thing is that if you are in an existing relationship, you can see what you have and see if fact if your partner is functional. Then you can take action and read some of our books, consulting or counselling to improve on your functionality and if you are not compatible in some areas then you can shift that or you can accept that or compromise. There are always ways of doing that. If you are really fundamentally incompatible, (which is something that we will talk about in some of our teachings on deal breakers), then you may have a life decision to make.)

Would you like to find out whether THE ONE You are with is your soul-mate? Sign up for your free E-courses (Value $97!) at Love By Design



Discover How You Can Adapt To CHANGE In Your Relationship. The Effortless Way And Still Keep Your Cool, While Keeping Your Relationship Long Lasting!

By Melody Chase

I was watching an episode of the Home and Garden show “NEAT”, which is a show where a crew comes in to help clutterbugs reorganize and systematize their homes. There is major change going on for the homeowners, including a lot of tossing out, giving away and rearranging of their home and life.

I turned to Rob, my life partner and even though I am an Amiable personality type which means I am into teamwork and everyone getting along, I said “If I was honest with myself, I think I would turn into Linda Blair‘s possessed character from the Exorcist if people started trying to force me into so much change.”

Amiables, by tradition, do not adapt as well to change, but all personalities if they are not consciously aware of it or do not have positive, accepting ways of handling it, will go into resistance when someone imposes change on them. Even if the other person is including the first person in the decision-making process for the change, the simple fact that the other person initiated the change is enough to throw the first person into resistance.

This is a major power struggle is that hidden in most relationships that result in one person feeling threatened or encroached upon by the change and the other person feeling attacked or even abandoned because the first person is resisting their plans.

In an article prepared by the City of Winnipeg Employee Assistance Program, 1992. They have the following to say about change:

“Change is always a new opportunity and a loss of the familiar.

Change is a shift in what is required, anticipated and valued, so we must move differently and that requires energy… change requires energy.

Expect a variety of reactions to big changes. If you are not part of what’s making the change happen, you may feel threatened and react automatically with anger, blaming, fear or some other style. What’s your style?

Slow-to-be- realized- changes may be ever more threatening, and so you put the idea of what’s happening out of your mind as much as possible. This is like the death of someone close to you, that you don’t want to face. Expect the three stages of Resisting the Change, Accepting the Transition, and Opening up to a New Beginning.

Resisting is about denial, then anger, and then bargaining urgently to keep the old ways.

Accepting Transition is to first appreciate, and then get upset over what is being lost (mourning). Then we can accept the task of getting along without. Naturally, there is a time “in between” when we feel lost and without motivation or direction.

Finally, after some experimentation, we can become enthusiastic about some New Beginning.

It all takes time. Be aware of what you are up to, you can take care of yourself.”

Now instead of trying to change the stages, it is more important to just be aware of them. You can then gently flow through the stages without further resistance or without being down on yourself for reacting a certain way. It is also important for your partner to understand the stages too so they know not to take it personally and not be in resistance to you either.

I was unconsciously going through the stages when Rob and I were doing some major renovations in our house. I was trying not to resist and feeling bad because I felt like I was being a stick in the mud, although I was trying not to. Once I realized the stages though, it really helped by just allowing the stages, and it became easier and easier to adapt to change.

In addition to accepting the stages, here are few positive beliefs to keep in mind about changes:

• Change is a chance for new opportunities and to learn new things.

• There is nothing to feel bad about if there is something that you need to change about yourself. You are perfect to begin with, if you find out the reality about yourself and that there is something you need to change, you are actually rediscovering your true self that has been lost during your life experiences.


At Last! A Fully Complete and Instructional System to Help You Discover Whether The One You Are With Is The Right Mate For YOU! If you are a single, I'll teach you how to custom make your own, ideal relationship. If you are already attached, I'll teach you how to bring new passion to a long time relationship, heal a broken heart, or break down barriers that are keeping you apart! Includes a Complete Manual more than 200 pages of information and contents used successfully by individuals and couples having real life challenges! If you are looking for a system that works in the real world, this is it. Grab your copy today. Love By Design



3 Seldom Used Communication Tips You Can Master Now To Break Down the Barriers Between You and Your Partner!

By Melody Chase

There have been many books about Communication, Communication Styles, and Conflict Resolution Techniques.

This article is to focus on the less common, but just as important areas of communication known as:

~ Body Language ~ Tone ~ Indirect Communication

Contrary to popular belief, as mentioned in the romantic comedy “Hitch” with Will Smith, words are only a small fraction of the communication.

In fact, according to Rob, (Director/Counsellor of The Centre for Life Management/LMC Relationship Centre, and Co-author of Love by Design http://www.LoveByDesignBook.com) says that the following is roughly how communication is divided.

10% of Communication is conducted through Words. 30% of Communication is conducted through Tone. 60% of Communication is conducted by Body Language.

So what does this mean? We spend the majority of the time focusing on what people are directly saying, but we are missing 90% of what people are really saying. It is no wonder then, that above and beyond couples not having the same communication modes, or not having relationship skills, miscommunication can also be occurring because we are not focusing on the full picture.

Indirect Communication is also an alternate form of communication, because a person needs to listen to what is being said underneath the words, and not take the words at face value only.

Let’s give some examples of the less well know forms of communication.

BODY LANGUAGE: When a couple comes for counselling, by the time they sit down on the couch together, we already have an idea of the dynamics of the relationship. How? By how they are sitting on the couch. Is the couple sitting on opposite ends of the couch? Are they sitting close together, are they leaning towards each other, away from each other? Is one couple leaning away from the other even though the other is leaning towards the other one? Is one person practically sitting on the other? Are they holding hands? Does someone have their arm behind the other one? Are they sitting forward, leaning back relaxed, or sitting up poker straight? Is someone fidgeting or restless? Is someone hugging a pillow, or putting a pillow between themselves and their partner? There is a lot going on, if one is aware.

It is important when communicating to be aware of one’s body language. Often a person may shutdown by something the first partner is saying or doing, but are not saying anything, so the first partner continues unaware.

As an example, if someone shuts down, they may lean away from you, they may or may not be smiling, they may have a very tight, restricted look on their face. Their eyes will usually be directed away, looking down, or looking up and away. If they do maintain eye contact, chances are their arms will be crossed.

Arms being crossed is fascinating, in and of itself and has more than one meaning, but as the person doing the communicating and as the receiver of the communication it can send different messages. It may need to be checked out to prevent misinterpretation. Arms crossed could mean:

~ They are angry ~ They feel encroached upon or threatened ~ They are taking a stand or being stubborn ~ They feel anxious or uncomfortable ~ They are cold

TONE: We once had a couple come in to see us where the wife’s main complaint was that she didn’t like the way her husband talks to her. She said she told him time and again that he had to stop talking so angrily towards her, and she couldn’t handle the intensity when they talked.

The husband was truly perplexed. He honestly though his wife must be hypertensive or looking into things that weren’t there because as he explained, he never yells or raises his voice towards her and he never says anything derogatory or mean to her. So what was going on?

When explained to him that it was his tone and intensity of his voice that was conveying anger, he responded by saying…“ Tone? What’s tone?”

He never knew that people can react to the tone of one’s voice. He just thought communication was black and white, you are either yelling or not yelling.

Tone can be much more subtle, but just as powerful. Many years ago, when I was going through a marriage prep class with my 1st husband, one of the marriage prep teachers, pulled me aside one day and asked me, if I ever noticed the tone of my voice before. I said” No, what are talking about?” He said that I had a tone to my voice that said “I’m not worthy” to people.

Now, I was shocked at first because of this man’s honestly and truth. But he was dead on with how I was feeling inside at the time, and to my surprise it was actually coming through in my tone.

So the bottom line, you may think you are just communicating with words, but there is a whole other conversation going on, that people can pick up by your tone whether it is intentional or unintentional.

Lastly, there is INDIRECT COMMUNICATION

It is very important to be a Direct Communicator, express what you feel, think or need directly. Communication is a very subjective art in the first place because everyone has filters when it comes to interpreting what other people mean due to your belief systems, your mood, past traumas, experience and education.

What one thing means to you may not have the same meaning to another person. So if you are the type of person who uses indirect communication to express your needs you are complicating your communication ten fold. You are opening up tons of new interpretations that are not necessary, in hopes of couching your needs or hoping that you are not going to cause a reaction from the person you are asking the request from.

The reality is that you are actually decreasing your chances of the person you are communicating with understanding what you want, plus you are potentially frustrating the other person with unclear messages. Sometimes, indirect communication can also cause the other person to feel like you are trying to control, care give or influence them, instead of stating what you want.

The following are some examples from a book called Relationships and Family Living by EMC publishing, about what they call Coded Messages, that is used in schools to help teach elementary students to learn how the decode indirect communication. See if you can interpret Coded Messages. The answer key is underneath

Coded Messages (See their corresponding Uncoded Messages Below): 1) " I wish I could get sick once in a while like Michael. He's so lucky. 2) " I got an "F" on this last English test. I can't get into studying. ________________ 3) " I want to talk with you about Dave. He's gotten so he hates to come to school." ________________ 4) " Daddy, please take me to the classroom for play school." _________________ 5) "Why am I always the one being sent to detention? Everyone else was goofing around, too." _________________ 6) "Don’t' call my parents about what I did. They’ll ground me forever." ___________________ 7) "I don’t like class. It's noisy and I can't accomplish anything." __________________ 8) "Why do we have to study spelling? That doesn't help me read faster." ___________________

ANSWER KEY (Uncoded Messages) 1) I don't want to go to school 2) He's blaming his F on his studying skills. 3) He's not coming to school. 4) I want to play. 5) I'm mad about detention. It's unfair. 6) I'll get in trouble. 7) I can’t think when it's loud. 8) I'm a slow reader.

SOLUTIONS So the following are suggestions for dealing with these forms of communications: 1) Be aware of your own Body Language, Tone and Indirect Communication. 2) Be aware of your partner’s Body Language, Tone and Indirect Communication. 3) If in doubt , check it out – Ask always in a way so you are owning your own feelings or observations, such as “ I feel like you may be annoyed with me because I hear a sharpness in your voice, how do you feel?” OR “I noticed that your arms are crossed, how are you feeling or what are you thinking?” If it is an indirect communication, feedback what you think they are saying and see if you have hit it on the nose or not. Sometimes, Indirect Communicators still won’t tell you what they are really thinking, so reassure them that it is safe to voice their option or ask for what they want.

At Last! A Fully Complete and Instructional System to Help You Discover Whether The One You Are With Is The Right Mate For YOU! If you are a single, I'll teach you how to custom make your own, ideal relationship. If you are already attached, I'll teach you how to bring new passion to a long time relationship, heal a broken heart, or break down barriers that are keeping you apart! Includes a Complete Manual more than 200 pages of information and contents used successfully by individuals and couples having real life challenges! If you are looking for a system that works in the real world, this is it. Grab your copy today. Love By Design



The Truth About Your Partner's Natural Rhythms - How Little Hidden Power Struggles Can Blow Up And Wreck Your Love by Design Relationship

By Melody Chase

Not many people know about the hidden power struggles that can occur in a relationship or marriage. This article is about a hidden powerstruggle known as rhythms. Every person has their own unique rhythm whether that is how they eat, sleep, work, relax, or even think and breathe.

However, in our society, we have been taught to assume to everyone is alike, or that there is a specific way that everyone needs to go about their day in order to strive and be successful. This can cause a powerstruggle in a relationship in two ways.

1) Each partner will think that the other person has the same rhythm as them, so if they are not doing things the same way as them they are either doing things wrong or intentially trying to resist them.

2) If the partners are trying to copy the other person’s rhythm, it will be not in their highest and best interest. They will not be “productive” or be in a healthy lifestyle for the individual, which leads to powerstruggles anyway.

This article is to bring attention to some of the less well known types of rhythms in a relationship.

Our first is what I will call a task accomplishment rhythm. In our work, we teach individuals and couples something similar called workstyles which are ways how people like to carry out their work or activities such as Guideline people who need a basic guideline or structure 24 hours a day or Employee people who like to go by other peoples rules for a certain portion of the day, then the rest of the time they go by their own rules.

For task accomplishment rhythms, I will use Rob, my Life Partner (who is also the Director/Counsellor for the Life Management Centre/ LMC Relationship Centre and Co-author of Love by Design) and myself as an example.

When Rob is accomplishing tasks throughout his day, he likes to do a whole bunch of tasks, one after the other, nonstop without any breaks. Then stop for the day. I on the other hand, although having an Employee Workstyle, while I am actually working for or with the other person, like to work for a while, take a break, work for a while, take a break etc. In the beginning of our relationship, there was an unconscious powerstruggle, mostly felt by me because I couldn’t keep up the same momentum as Rob, especially if we had been out shopping or in public, I would have to have rest and recoup before I could charge into the next task at hand. I would get really tired and uncomfortable, and Rob would feel my resistance.

That didn’t last for long though, as soon as I recognized that my rhythm was different than Rob’s, I brought it to his attention. I accepted that my rhythm is different than his and he has incorporated my rhythm into his schedule, so I can rest in peace, and then join him again in our tasks. The good news is that I was just as productive as Rob, as long as I kept true to myself and my rhythm.

Another example of a rhythm is that people have different speech patterns, speed and rhythms. Rob had a couple come in to see him once, were the couple was having a communication problem.

The wife talked a mile a minute; the husband talked very slowly and paused a lot when talking. The wife often cut him off, between pauses, the husband often feeling offended by being interrupted all the time and the wife always felt like they weren’t getting anywhere in their communication. Would you believe the powerstruggle was there simply because they weren’t aware that they had different speaking rhythms? As soon as Rob pointed this out to them, and taught them how to understand, appreciate and not be in nonresistance to their rhythm their communication greatly improved. The wife, especially learned to be aware of the husband’s pause, and that the pause didn’t mean he was finished talking.

There are many other types of rhythms out there that will be unique to you and to you partner. Your assignment, if you choose to accept it, is to be aware of your feelings. If you ever feel like you are in resistance to your partner, such as feeling angry, a drop of energy or the need to dig your heels in, be on the “look out” and “feel out” for a potential rhythm that may be different.

Next, bring you partner into awareness, then accept, and appreciate both your partner’s and your own unique rhythms. With acceptance, nonresistance and being authentic, you will find that not only will the resistance fade away, both of your fill be at you fullest, and highest and best capacity in all areas of your lives.

At Last! A Fully Complete and Instructional System to Help You Discover Whether The One You Are With Is The Right Mate For YOU! If you are a single, I'll teach you how to custom make your own, ideal relationship. If you are already attached, I'll teach you how to bring new passion to a long time relationship, heal a broken heart, or break down barriers that are keeping you apart! Includes a Complete Manual more than 200 pages of information and contents used successfully by individuals and couples having real life challenges! If you are looking for a system that works in the real world, this is it. Grab your copy today. Love By Design

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